05 Jan Goodbye 2017. I Wish I Never Knew You.
It’s over. It’s gone. The shit show that was 2017. Now we’re welcoming the new year. A blank slate.
According to numerology, 2018’s Life Path number is 11. 11 is a master number that symbolizes deeper intuition, mysticism, spiritual growth and enlightenment. The Chinese horoscope indicates it’s the year of the Brown Earth Dog and predicts it’s going to be a good year in all respects, but it will also be an exhausting year. You will be happy, yet frustrated, rested, yet tired, cheerful, yet dull! In astrology, according to the astrologers known as “The Astro Twins” it’s going to be another intense year with a lot of sexy time. But if you’re a science nerd or an abstract thinker then you believe time is an illusion, only clocks exist. If you don’t believe in any of that shit….well…it’s just another year. One thing is true for all of us, with every passing year, we are different from the year before. Our experiences, memories, milestones or lack of life events have influenced our perspectives to either evolve or change completely. Maybe you’re reading this and feeling you are still the same person…oh but my friend you are not. Perhaps you still perform the same daily rituals, have the same attitude, have the same friends, wear the same clothes…whatever. BUT your interior world is different regardless of how your exterior world stays the same. The things you have seen, the feelings you have felt, the experiences you have lived are memories that did not exist in 2016 but were acquired in 2017 and will carry their impression onto 2018. You are different. But you choose whether your physical world stays the same or evolves.
2017 was a year of reclusion and reflection for me. I was in my head for most of the year wondering what does this all mean. As an introvert, I’m usually already in my head enough but this past year felt like I literally recoiled into myself. I went back to my University to acquire a degree in Marketing and Communications. I love story-telling and creating advertorials. Anyways. When I restarted my YouTube channel at the beginning of 2017, I spoke about how conflicted I felt about discussing topics such as corsets and fashion when all these terrible things were happening. A broken tail light and selling loosies became a death sentence to black men. All I could think about is how systemic racism has impacted the lives of POC. Watching and listening trump and his supporters belittle, insult, murder, harass immigrants. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
My existence is a political statement. I am a Queer Latina, daughter of two immigrant parents and married to an immigrant. I am fucking proud of it.
Loving myself is an act of rebellion.
So I believe that we should indulge in silly non-meaningful entertainment to help us cope with the daily news of how trump has figured out a cool new way to destroy human decency in the same of preserving “America.” I often wonder how this time in history will be depicted in history books. Will our country learn it’s lesson? Not water down the atrocities that have occurred under this administration and tell the truth of the sexist, racist demagogue who is now leader of the free world. In Germany, students learn the ugly details of the Holocaust by listening to survivors and their grim inhumane experiences. Germany believes this is important in order to honor those who have survived and to prevent history from repeating itself. So will my children learn about how trump called neo nazis’ some “fine people” and all Mexicans “rapists and murders”? I will make sure of it. I will not allow my children, the future, be spoon fed the Disney version of the shit show 2017 was. They are the future and they will continue the fight of the RESISTANCE. If need be. I want my children to be compassionate and kind, to speak up, to support those who are marginalized, to kick ass and live their best lives.
I feel like we all deserve a t-shirt that says, “I survived 2017 and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”
Alongside all this I was going through my own shit. I use to know how to smile and power through it in the past. If I was having a bad day I can just take that energy and create. But a bad day turned into a bad week, to bad months and….well the end of the year arrived. I didn’t feel like myself. This is not me. I spent years practicing mindfulness and harnessing that into something that serves me. I could always see the silver lining in the bleakest of situations. I believe in being proactive and viewing a bad situation as a source of opportunities to transform it into something great. I still believed that but the fire in me was but a glimmer. I would beat myself up for it. It’s that shitty cycle where you feel terrible because you aren’t motivated, you aren’t motivated because you feel shitty. LOL. I realized the problem was I was not kind to myself for years. I didn’t give myself the space to embrace my negative feelings and honor them. I made myself bare and grin it whether I wanted to or not because if I didn’t then I was weak. Which to an extent I still believe that. So 2017, broke that veneer and whether I wanted to or not I felt those feelings and I didn’t know how to get out and transform those feelings into something that serves me. I became stuck. The fearlessness I once knew became a distant memory. That double downed to my shitty cycle I was in.
I had surgery during the fall. The recovery was bad. Like really bad. I’ve had surgery before but never have I experienced such a scary recovery. I have recorded a video discussing details about it, I’m not sure when to release it but it will be there and you will have the opportunities to ask all the questions you wanna ask. But anyhoo, this recovery placed things into perspective and helped me refocus and recenter myself. I told myself if I survive this recovery then I am going to make it worth it…..yea…it was that scary. It kinda woke me up from the trance I was in. It was like a lightbulb went off. It’s all in my head. Everything I am running away from is in my head. When you change your perspective you change your reality. There is always opportunity in the chaos waiting for you to uncover it. So no, I am not under the impression that always thinking positive will solve the world problems or mine. But rather than let overwhelming issues swallow me, I can take the steps I can take to better a situation. I learned it’s ok if I’m sad, angry, disappointed and frustrated. It does not make me ungrateful. It makes me human. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. So honor those feelings but then let them go. If you hold onto them then they decide what and how you live your life. Transform them into something that serves you and will contribute to a future that you can be proud of and love. AND Listen, for a lot of people that’s easier said than done. I hate when I hear online personalities tell people just think positive. No. If you need help then get help. There is no shame in that. Find your community. Talk to someone you can trust. Talk to a professional. Whatever. But please know you are enough, you are loved and this world would suck without you. 2017 was a particularly shitty year. 2018 is not going to be any easier BUT it has ignited a fire in us and we can arm ourselves to better navigate these tough times.
So be kind to yourself.
2017 I’m over you.
“Take your broken heart and make it into art.”