It was 2020—just days before the world shut down—and my marriage was already on life support. My (now ex) husband and I had a massive fight on my birthday, which, let’s be honest, wasn’t new. But this time, it felt different.
Why? Because he didn’t plan anything. This one was not the first, second, or, third time. And trust me, to this day, he’d argue otherwise. In fact, during one of our last-ever conversations, I asked him what restaurant he had supposedly booked. He paused, hesitantly and muttered, “Some Japanese place…”
Sure Jan.
But let’s rewind. At that point, we were already stuck in this strange purgatory—living together but kinda separated. And after this fight, the word divorce was thrown around one too many times. Except this time, I realized something: I actually took my vows seriously. He? Not so much. He wielded the threat of divorce like a toddler threatening to run away from home—but this time, he packed his bags for real.
Then, just as we were stepping into the emotional ring for Round Two… the world shut down. Borders were closing. Flights were being canceled. And conveniently, he wasn’t from here so this was his out. He framed it as “needing to be there for his family.” A noble excuse, one that I fully supported. But reader, let me tell you—his father checked in on me. My ex? Not once.
I would later learn exactly why.
Before he left, I told him, “Listen, if you meet someone, just tell me. I just don’t want to find out in a fucked up way.” He agreed. I thought I was being reasonable. At the time, we didn’t know what was happening in the world. We didn’t know if we’d live, die, or be forced into a Mad Max scenario scavenging for toilet paper.
Plot Twist: I Found Out in a F*cked Up Way
While he was overseas, I kept pressing him to send the divorce papers. And every time, it was another excuse—bad WiFi, not home, lost his email password (yet somehow, he was always online). Classic avoidant behavior. To be fair, I wasn’t exactly jumping to handle the paperwork either. But eventually, I wanted closure.
Then one summer afternoon, my sister sent me a text that stopped me in my tracks:
“Who’s this girl in these Facebook photos with him?”
Confused, I checked my Facebook. My timeline was flooded—tagged photos of him with some new woman. Fancy dinners. Romantic trips. All while the world was on lockdown. And because Facebook doesn’t have the same tag-approval settings as Instagram, I had been blissfully unaware.
Then I checked my DMs. Hidden in the requests folder was a message from her.
“Hey Kelly, I’ve been messing around with ***** and we need to chat.”
I screenshotted it, laughed, and thought, I don’t need to say shit to you, babe.
At that point, my ex and I hadn’t spoken in months. But I sent him the screenshots on WhatsApp and told him to get his girlfriend to stop dragging me into their mess. His response?
“She’s not my girlfriend! She’s crazy! She’s obsessed with me!”
LOL. Again. Sure, Jan.
I told him I didn’t care—just send me the damn divorce papers.
And then, I laughed. And then… I cried. Not because I missed him, but because I was so angry. I had just moved into my dream apartment, landed a promotion, and was thriving in ways I hadn’t in years. But the realization that he had already started a whole new relationship? Let’s just say this timeline was a few months during lockdown. Doesn’t add up. That stung.
For about five minutes.
Then, I remembered who I was dealing with.
I knew his playbook. The love-bombing. The manipulation. The inevitable discard. And now? She was in my old position. The honeymoon phase was over, and she was doing something desperate—like reaching out to his soon-to-be ex-wife.
And then I learned the real kicker: He told her she had to be a secret because I’d “mess up his papers.”
Ah. There it is.
For the record, if by some twist of fate this ever finds its way to you—you and I both know that I would have never done that. That’s simply not who I am. If anything, I wish I had been meaner. I wish I had more bite. But at the time, my focus was on staying respectful because, for better or worse, I once made vows, and I took them seriously.
Oh, and dear reader—here’s another little nugget of wisdom I picked up along the way: When a person like this accuses you of being controlling, a liar, manipulative, or unfaithful… they’re usually just giving you a sneak peek into their own personality. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
What This Whole Mess Taught Me
Looking back, I realize that this wasn’t about her. Or me. It was about him. He only ever cared about one person—himself. It didn’t matter who he was with. The cycle would repeat.
And because of the work I had done on myself, I didn’t spiral. I didn’t fall into the trap of wondering if she was better than me. She wasn’t. She wasn’t worse, either. She was just supply, like I had been. She just didn’t know it yet.
So, to anyone who needs to hear this: If someone wants to keep you a secret, run. Walk away without a scene. Because your worth isn’t up for debate.
And that, dear reader, is how a birthday fight, a global pandemic, and an unexpected Facebook tag set me free. Here’s what I learned:
How Knowing Who You Are Helps You Walk Away from What You’re Not Responsible For
Five years ago, “narcissist” was the buzzword. You couldn’t scroll through social media without seeing a post about red flags, love bombing, or how to spot a narcissist in the wild. And honestly? I thought I knew what a narcissist was. The grandiose, attention-seeking, selfie-posting type.
What I didn’t know? There are seven types of narcissists. SEVEN. And the one I had the pleasure of encountering? The covert narcissist. The low-key, passive-aggressive, poor me victim type. The kind who looks like the nice guy but is just as manipulative as the textbook overt narcissist—just sneakier.
Learning that this type existed changed my life. It validated so much of what I had gone through. And more importantly, it helped me step away without getting emotionally wrecked. Because when you know the playbook, the game doesn’t work on you anymore.
The Secret to Walking Away from the Wrong People? Knowing Who You Are.
When I found out about my ex-husband’s secret girlfriend, I could have fallen apart. I could have spiraled, overanalyzed, or made it about me.
But instead? It reinforced everything I had already learned.
By the time this bomb dropped, I had already invested years into therapy, self-development, and unlearning toxic relationship patterns. I had spent time figuring out who I was, what made me happy, and what I would and wouldn’t tolerate.
And because I knew me, I could see him—clearly.
I wasn’t thrown off by the betrayal. I wasn’t shocked by the way it happened. Because when you understand the patterns, you stop taking them personally.
Narcissists Follow a Playbook. When You Know It, You Can’t Be Played.
Here’s the thing about narcissists: They’re not as original as they think they are.
My ex? He followed the classic covert narcissist cycle:
✅ Love-bombing – Over-the-top affection, making me feel like I was the one.
✅ Devaluation – Once he had me, the switch flipped. I became the problem.
✅ Discard – Once I wasn’t useful anymore, I was ghosted—emotionally first, then physically.
And what did he do next? The exact same thing with her.
When I saw pictures of their Rome trips, the fancy dinners, the “romantic” gestures, I didn’t feel jealousy. I felt validation. Because I had seen this movie before, and I knew how it ended.
Investing in Yourself Is the Highest ROI You’ll Ever Get
A few years ago, finding out about the other woman would have demotivated me. I would have questioned my worth. I would have wondered what she had that I didn’t.
But this version of me? The one who had done the inner work?
✨ She knew better.
Because I had invested in my own healing, I could separate my baggage from his.
I didn’t absorb his dysfunction as my own. I didn’t turn his choices into a reflection of my value.
Instead, I saw it for what it was: a him problem.
And because I had clarity, I could walk away with peace— without needing revenge, and without questioning myself.
Healthy People Do Not Stay in Unhealthy Situations
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned? Healthy people don’t stay in unhealthy relationships.
They don’t justify toxicity.
They don’t try to “fix” broken people.
They don’t need proof that someone doesn’t respect them.
They just leave.
And once I became a healthy person myself, my standards changed instantly.
Before, I would have made allowances for people who checked 8 out of 10 boxes. I would have excused their red flags. I would have convinced myself we’d grow into a better relationship.
Now? If it’s not a resounding yes, it’s a hard no.
Want to Unlearn the Narcissist’s Playbook? Start Here.
If this post resonated with you, and you’re in the process of breaking free from a toxic relationship, here are four books that helped me unlearn, release, and rebuild:
📖 The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse – If you’ve ever felt crazy in a relationship, this book will explain exactly why.
📖 Surviving A Narcissist: A Step-By-Step Guide to Healing from Emotional Abuse and Toxic Behaviors – A practical guide to detaching, healing, and reclaiming your confidence.
📖 Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People – A must-read for anyone recovering from emotional manipulation.
📖 Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself – Teaches you how to break free and stay free.
Final Thoughts: Your Power Comes from Knowing Who You Are
Reader, if you take one thing from this, let it be this:
💡 When you know who you are, you no longer let someone else define your worth.
💡 When you invest in yourself, you don’t get tricked into investing in the wrong people.
💡 And when you see the playbook, you never get played again.
Because that is the ultimate power move.
Want to share your experience? Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear your story. 💛
