Down the Rabbit Hole I Go: Micro-Dosing Shrooms

Last year, I opened up about my mental health issues and the toll they were taking on me. I did it because many of you were wondering where I was and what I was up to. It seemed like I fell off the face of the Earth. At the time I thought I was able to come back in my full form but I was mistaken. There was still some work to do on myself. I’ve always had issues with anxiety but never to this extent. I use to walk around in a full latex outfit while fully laced into 16″ corset in daylight in the busiest city of the world without flinching. Now, I’m like how the fuck did I do that without a panic attack? I miss her. I really fucking miss her. At this point, I was having regular therapy sessions which helped enormously but I just couldn’t find my way back to ME. I was close, I could see her right over the hedges but she still felt so far away. Usually, therapy and actively practicing mindfulness does the trick. I’m back feeling like myself. But something wasn’t clicking. I needed to try something new, something different.

I started doing an immense amount of research on mindfulness, books on retraining the mind, alternative therapy, and alternative medicine. I found myself navigating hazy waters hoping to find something that can help me out of this maze called anxiety. Incorporating therapy, exercising regularly, reading books and practicing mindfulness helped me immensely but I still didn’t feel like myself. I felt better. I felt ok, but I didn’t feel like me.

Throughout my research, the term “micro-dosing psychedelics” kept reappearing. I have never delved into psychedelics. Wait…except on a camping trip with friends. I ate some caramels that had shrooms chopped up in it. Things just sparkled but that’s about it. I’ve always been curious about psychedelics but afraid to take them. As someone who has anxiety, the idea of delving deeper further into my mind than I already I am, scares the shit out of me quite frankly. Friends who have taken serious doses of psychedelics have described having their egos ripped part, experiencing birth, life & death in 15 minutes or imaging a sparkly troll inviting them to play on the swings with them. So yeah…I have trepidation.

I’m pro-pot. I think pot has been so beneficial for me personally. More about that in another post. With psychedelics, I’m afraid of what they’ll show me. I was…am afraid to surrender. Surrender to my ego. To be shown all the things I avoid to not feel. For some reason, I’m reminded on how as a child whenever a sad song would play on the radio, I would change it quickly because I was afraid to feel sad. As I got older, I would avoid any movies with sad endings. I would spoil the movie for myself and make sure the movie would have a happy ending before I watched it. I stopped watching Edward Scissorhands when Kim and Edward have created ice sculptures so it ends happily with them reunited. See the reoccurring theme? Anyways, I’m afraid of not being in control of what my body is going through, what my mind is forced to see and what my heart demands to feel. As an introvert, I spend so much time in my head. One might argue, too much time. Already dealing with anxiety and depression, as I said, the last thing I want to do is dive deeper into my mind. But I guess, what you resist, persists.

One tab of acid can have a trip that lasts anywhere from 6 to 12 hours sometimes up to 15 hours. Depending on the dosage, a shroom trip can last from 6-7.5 hours. That sounds like a COMMITMENT. When I smoke, my high lasts for about an hour or so. I don’t smoke large amounts. Just enough to feel one with myself. I usually smoke right before the gym or when I’m designing. A psychedelic trip is something you HAVE to ride out. You don’t really have a choice in the matter. You can’t unsee what you see. I’ve heard enough horror stories to push me away from experimenting. Although I believe growth is waiting for you at the edge of what you fear, I’m still fucking terrified. I can’t leave this physical world without taking acid. But again, I’m too chicken shit to do it……..yet.

In the middle of my research, I’ve become engrossed with podcasts. I think the whole world has been. Podcasts to me, are the best thing to happen to introverts. I find so much comfort in feeling like I’m hanging out without actually being there. I started listening to Joe Rogan’s podcast in order to break out of the bubble I’m in. It was an attempt to recondition how I reacted to viewpoints that don’t align with me, to help me have healthy discourse, and to reexamine my viewpoints to really refine them. P.S. It is hilarious how much he has exploded this past year. You people are late to the party. Anyways, he is very much pro-psychedelics. In many episodes, he and guests have touched on how micro-dosing has been used to treat depression, anxiety and PTSD suffers. It’s safe to say that my interest was beyond piqued.

The same week, I went out to hang out with some old friends. Funnily enough, they were on the same camping trip where I tried shrooms for the first time. I started talking about my interest in micro-dosing and Debs perked up and told me how she’s been micro-dosing and it’s helped her so much navigate her depression. Giving her a skeptical look I asked,

Will I be tripping out all day?

How do I know I took enough? Took too much?

Will I have hallucinations?

She happily responded, “Nope. You don’t even feel it. Trust me. Try it.” I figured this is too much of a coincidence so maybe the Universe is telling me just go with it Kels. Ok. I’m in. Let’s do it. So I come full circle, back to the shroom infused caramels I had on that camping trip. Debs instructed me to just take a nibble and that’s it.

The next day, the first thing I did after brushing my teeth was take a nibble of a caramel. About 30 minutes later, I felt a bit tingly and the amplification of my anxiety started to fade. It was so weird. For lack of a better word, I felt…..normal. There was no tripping or hallucinations. But more importantly, there was no panic. I didn’t realize how much space my anxiety took up in my brain. I didn’t realize how anxious I would wake up. I didn’t realize my default setting was set to anxious. I knew I was anxious but I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel it. I felt free. Anxiety feels like you’re a prisoner of your own mind. It takes your fears and insecurities and amplifies it but even worse, it starts to cherry-pick parts of your life experience to reinforce those fears and insecurities. Even though you know this, it still tricks you. The fucked part for me is, I’m really fucking intelligent. An honor student with a 3.92 GPA. I have these tangible units of measure that indicate to me that I should be able to outsmart this. I know how it works, I know it’s tricks, I know it’s end goal. But still, I would fall for its traps. BUT micro-dosing shrooms gave me the edge I needed to navigate this maze.

So I began to microdose daily. The thoughts and feelings that would send me into a rabbit hole of anxiety and depression were just thoughts and feelings. They were no longer the catalyst to making me feel destructively angry and sad. I was no longer a prisoner BUT I wasn’t numb to my feelings. I would feel angry or sad but these thoughts didn’t have a GRIP on me and send me into a spiral. I was able to examine those feelings and thoughts without being consumed. Again, for lack of a better word, I felt normal.

I think I need to make something clear. When I say destructively angry and sad, I mean I let those feelings flood me and overwhelm me. Which would lead me to have destructive behavior. I think its destructive to disappear from your friends’ lives, to stop attending events, not complete projects and just not take care of yourself. Its ok to step away from life sometimes but there comes a point where its no longer a break, its destructive.

Micro-dosing shrooms have been a game-changer for me. I’m not stating this is a cure-all for everyone. Absolutely not! I’m not saying you should do this. I’m sharing my experience because it truly has helped me be ME again. You should always speak to a medical professional. You’ll be happy to know that there are doctors exploring micro-dosing to combat depression. I seriously cannot express how much it helped me. Check out this called MAPS, Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies, they’ve helped a lot of veterans that suffer from PTSD with therapy incorporating psychedelics. If you visit their website there’s a lot of helpful info. Vice has also written a great article on micro-dosing shrooms and the way doctors are exploring its uses to combat depression.

I talk about my journey with mental health in hopes of normalizing the discussion. When people meet me and learn about my struggles with mental health, I always get the “really?” look. I tell them some days are good, some are ok, some are awesome and some days suck. lol It’s not linear. But in recognizing what I’m going through helps me navigate it. Sometimes I’m having a anxiety attack right in front of you but you’ll never know. Why? Because I armed myself with the tools I need in order to navigate it.

Btw I fucking love therapy. It’s like Spring cleaning for your mind. I use Talkspace and my therapist has been incredible. It’s so nice to text her whenever I need to vent. I can do a video chat, phone call or send her audio messages. I absolutely love it. Btw Before I chose my therapist, I researched my matches on PsychologyToday.com . Talkspace doesn’t take insurance but their rates are pretty reasonable. If you have insurance you can search according to your insurance, needs, location and more on psychologytoday.com as well. If you don’t have insurance and can’t afford Talkspace, you can get sliding scale therapy where you pay $30-60 a session. Honestly, everyone should do therapy. It’s so good for you. You gain clarity, perspective and a better lease on life.

Bye bye for now weirdos. Be love. Always.